“And so, to sum it all up, I perceive everything I say as absolutely true, and deficient in nothing whatever, and paint it all in my mind exactly as I want it to be.” Don Quixote, vol. 1, pp. 157.

Its election season again and its that time when politicians make promises they never keep. I can’t participate in the electioneering so I can’t stand on a podium and promise nirvana. But hey! What’s to stop me (with tongue in cheek about being Don Quixote and his faithful Sancho Panza? Your knight on a wooden horse, come to liberate you from servitude and exploitation. My imagination is running wild as I assay the giant! Here are 10 of my best promises!

  1. On work: if you vote for me you will never have to work again. Our government will import robots to do all the farming, harvesting, processing and marketing. We shall never exploit our peasants again in the name of self-aggrandizement. Our robots shall replace you!
  2. On public holidays: since you don’t have to work, everyday shall be a public holiday. We shall name each day after some prominent priest or martyr so that you bask in God’s glory. After all, prayer solves all problems including unclean cities!
  3. On sexual equality: the colonialists introduced the missionary position. Since we are an independent country, this position shall be banned. I will rewrite the law so that those who practice it are arrested for not being idle and disorderly. In addition we shall allow equality. That means women can use the men’s ablutions and vice versa!
  4. On loans: since you don’t have to work, we see no reason why you should repay your loans. We will pay all your loans below Ugx 5m. We shall close all banks and pay you for not working as well.
  5. On the public service: since you won’t be working, then there will be no need for a public service. You may as well spend all your time drinking ‘ajono’ and fornicating. What is better than that?
  6. On land: if you see any vacant piece of land, please occupy it. My government will encourage squatting since all power (and land therefore) belongs to the people. Nobody should harass our voters ever again!
  7. On women emancipation: my government will help women achieve there full potential from up to ‘down there’!
  8. On qualifications for leaders: there will no longer be any requirement for qualification to hold public office. Why should you have to prove that you went to a college in Oxford?
  9. On taxes: there will no more taxes. All taxes are going to be abolished by my government. Read my gap on this one!
  10. On the color of the sky: why should the sky be blue and the sun yellow? I will change the color of the sky to yellow since it’s larger than the sun. I will decree that the sun also be yellow. If you see some orange tinges in the sky and sun, you will report to the powers above! That is indiscipline!

It’s the silly season and you are free to believe whatever you want to. But if you believe these campaign promises you will believe anything. Whatever your leanings, have a peaceful election and use your vote wisely. Remember Uganda is more important than all those charlatans chasing your vote…you won’t matter much after February 16th.